Others might love us . . . and not know it


Week Three - - - Day Sixteen


Others might love us and not even know it ! ! !

This has been mentioned before: Everyone loves me, and some/ many might not know it yet.

Is it my problem/ job to make them love me?


Here’s the deal, if they could love me, they would. It feels better to love. It’s more open and expansive and happy and heart filled and life filled.

Love is who we are at the core (along with Peace and Joy and Awareness).

(My premise; you, of course, find out for yourself. Searching for who you are at the Core is a lifelong and sweet and extremely worthwhile pursuit.)

It’s not a job to love, it’s a job to not love. It takes up energy to block and cramp down on who we naturally are.

And so . . . those who aren’t loving us, have disguised themselves from their love. Of us. And probably of many more.

And it’s our job then . . . to what?

Maybe this:

To honor them and have compassion for wherever they are stuck.

This was an amazing revelation when doing the 4 questions from last chapter about my father.

The power and glory of the Byron Katie work is that it is a non-fudging dive into unconditional love.

And unconditional love is NOT loving/ liking/ putting up with people only in their best states.

It’s receiving them at their worst (minus stabbing and hitting us, of course, and then it’s a job for the police) and seeing what’s left if we imagine or actually have to be with them when they are at a non-wonderful state.

Like good old Dad.

He was dead by the time I did this, but I’d still wasted endless hours picturing him being critical of me, and taking it personally. 

He was a wounding me. 

Poor me.

Cheated of the perfect/ wonderful father I “deserved.” 


And then when I put his criticalness, even to the point of visualizing him all red in the face and ranting at me into the “work” things changed.

I put my belief/ story/ wish/ complaint into the four question mill, and everything changed.

This is what I saw, as I watched in memory and imagination him get all red in the face and start calling me names and putting me down.

Without believing my story, I was free. I could watch. I could feel in my heart what might well have been happening.


Unable to love.

Unable not to lash out. A tragic duo.

Without the “My Dad shouldn’t have been so critical” story, what was left was a newfound ability to see his terrible unhappiness and inability to be the love that he wanted to be and to express the love that he wanted to express.

He was trapped.

Poor Dad.

No longer, poor me, getting yelled at.

Instead . . . poor Dad, getting yelled at in his own heart and unable NOT to spew that forth on me.

Poor Dad.

And so it is with anyone what can’t love us.

And here’s our part of the cycle of life and nourishment around other people.

We can be open to people who are loving.


By looking for, waiting for, being open to the love in everybody.

If they can’t express it, we need not take it personally.

If they are expressing it, even a small amount, what can we do in order to be more open to it.

Being in the energy helps.

Being present helps.

Being relaxed and loving helps.

Sensing our heart helps.

Shutting up the words and judgments in our head helps.

Shutting up all words, and just feeling helps.

A lot.

And . . .

And needing/ wanting their approval absolutely must be let go.

Gurdjieff has this very trenchant and wise idea: the main slavey of human beings is wanting outside approval and fear of outside disapproval

Breaking free of that isn’t easy, it being such a deeply engrained habit; and it’s a job that can transform our whole life.

Love game #8: Listen for the love.

Sense your heart around all the other people who you encounter each day.

Slow down your actions and your thinking and see if you can FEEL ANY LOVE coming from each person.

This will take slowing down and breathing a bit more and paying attention to them.

What happens?

What do you sense?

No hurry.

No right. No wrong.

Just slow and open and sense and see what happens.

This is a great game/ exercise/ practice in crowds where you don’t know anyone. And in old familiar places you’ve been a ton of times, your church say.

It takes a commitment to finding the “invisible” and if love isn’t worth searching for, opening for, waiting for, listening for, then I don’t know what is.

Do you?




And almost everyone will think of the person who drives us most crazy, and think, “No way do I love so and so.”

If nothing else, here’s a way to start:

Love and Connection Game #9

Think of or go hang out with someone that you have the story “I don’t like so and so.”

Write this down.

“I don’t like so and so.”

Transform this into the judgement: Either they “should . . .,” or they “shouldn’t . . .” and write this as a short sentence. (Skip the long, endless, boring story). 

Now, ask the four questions.

1) Is this true?

2) Is this absolutely so?

3) How am I and how do I react with I believe this?

4) Who or what would I be if I didn’t believe this?

See what happens.

And do go back and forth between the you that is at question 3 believing the old story, and question 4 where you are trying out the world sans the story/ thought/ opinion/ belief.

See what happens.

This is a pain in the ass, letting go of our conditions to love another.

And it’s always conditions.

They aren’t good enough.

They were bad, mean, selfish, a liar.

All the things we are sometimes, but how dare they act out their humanness on us.


And does this mean we have to forgive? To cover up our news and pretend that they aren’t rats? (If they are, and remember my father. Acting like a rat, and actually a sad and suffering human.)


We don’t have to forgive.

We just have to see the truth: what is our judgment doing to the situation and to our own hearts. (And incidentally, to changing them.)

Do we want to feel free and happy and peaceful and/or whatever we feel when we don’t believe the story?

Or do we want to hang on the the story and be RIGHT?


Here’s a strange game.

Maybe you’ll find it transformative.

Love game #10:

In any argument,

in your head, or out loud,

look for a way to lose.

I won’t give any more specifics.

See what you can invent or discover or uncover.

It just might help you return to why you loved or liked this person in the first place.

And if it’s a business or social thing and you (APPARENTLY) never loved this person in the first place, see what delight and insight you can get from discover the small or large ways that this other person has some valid arguments.

This sets us off on the path of discovery and learning and love and being present and being happy.

A very nice path, indeed.

Enjoy your day.