Touch, first the hands.... later the clitoris. Start easy, be present


This is chapter two, upgraded.

A bit about me and one of my perhaps ten amazing trainings.

Here goes:


Day Two: Touch

We are mammals, touch is nourishing for us all

If sex is to get better and better,  ordinary touch is the place to start

Hands, faces, go slow

Mindful touch is a miracle gift to ourselves and to others





We need touch.

We starve without touch. 

We are mammals.

If you don’t have a partner, try to hug two or three people a day.

If you can’t hug two or three people a day, hug a tree or two. Shake hands.

Whether in a couple or not, let’s start with a self-massage, one hand touches the other one in awareness and exploration.


Touching Hands Game #1: One hand touches/ caresses/ explores the other.

Set a timer. Two minutes.

Use your non-dominant hand as the “giving hand.” 

Use your dominant hand as the “receiving hand.”

(E.g., if you are right handed, the left hand will caress/ touch/ explore the right hand. If left handed, your right hand will caress/ touch/ explore your left hand.)

For two minutes, go slowly, and explore one hand with the other.



Go for two minutes. Feel deeply the point of contact.


Feel your whole self, too.

Feel down to your feet as you caress. Feel your ribs and your breathing and your hands. Feel your neck and the air coming in and out of your nose.

Go so slowly that noticing becomes your whole world.

If you begin to “think” ( as the words in our heads that we falsely call “thinking”) you are wasting time, notice that. And come back to the present of being present to one hand with the other.


When it’s over, notice the difference in the two hands.

With a few notes, perhaps, right here…




PS: What is the receiving hand grateful for? What is the giving hand grateful for? You might add that to your gratitude journal.



If you have a partner doing this with their own hands at the same time, share your awarenesses.



This is simple.

Except…. notice your resistance: do I have two minutes to be nice to myself? (What if you got shocking and spend 4 or 6 minutes caressing one hand/ exploring one hand/ being present with one hand and the other? Could you stand it?)

Do you feel silly, to be being kind and loving to yourself?


Notice the gratitude of the hand receiving.

Notice the gratitude and learning of the hand giving.


Be alert: how well do you think this would help your connection to your partner?

If you don’t have a partner, notice how this might help you connect to a partner when you do have one. ( If you want that. )


And… if you do have a partner, this is a wonderful beginner’s step to having sex every day: You rub/ caress/ explore their hand for two, three, four, five….??? minutes. They do the same for you.


Touching your Partner’s Hand, for two, three, four, five, ???? minutes:

The beginnings of Mindful and Fabulous Sex

There is a point of contact.

You can each put your mind there.

You can relax into this joy of connection.

No hurry.

Just now.




One of the greatest shortfalls in normal, and often boring, and frequently avoided, sex, is that it almost entirely genital and is all supposed to be wham bam full speed almost instantly.

Very little, if any, time is devoted to letting one partner be the recipient, the receiver, the you-are-being-loved one.

This is tragic.  Non-reciprocal sex is hugely important.


Non-reciprocal sex is hugely important.


How do I know that?


I spent a year in an amazing borderline cult that had a bead on a glorious practice, a practice geared toward Female Orgasm. As a meditation. 

Stroking the clitoris to be exact, without any climaxing goal. With the man fully clothed (Or a female partner to the “receiver”/ clitoris offerer). 

In this meditation, the woman is laying on her back, often on a blanket or cushion on the floor, half clothed.

The organization was a mess, but the idea was revolutionary and opened some people to real connection and mindful pleasure. 

The secret:  letting the woman be the pure recipient for pleasure at that point of contact, which is very gentle and very slow, and mindful for both people. A point of immense pleasure.

Keeping the attention from wandering is a skill.

How much nicer and easier to keep the attention on a place of immense pleasure?


And the receiver gets to take a break from performance.

Just receiving.

Immense pleasure.


And, you will experience later, some of you: to “simply” give in this way has it’s own amazing pleasures.

Giving and mediation.

A kind of “no fail” sexual gift, that isn’t sex, but is sexual pleasure.

It’s “out of the box” in a way that’s a real “game changer.


And that’s where we are headed with rubbing our partner’s hand?


One gives.

One receives. 

The point of contract is where mindfulness can get better and better at being NOW.


So, let’s play with your partner. 

Or an adventuresome friend.

Or a child that needs to be touched.

Or an elderly or sick person that needs to be touched.

(Do you know anyone who DOESN’T need to be touched.)


Day Two: Touch game #2:

Use a timer.

Turn off all the internet hooey.

Just “BE” with each other.

Partners Take 3 minute turns touching/ caressing/ exploring one of the other person’s hands.

That’s it.

The giver uses two hands.

Go slowly.

Be curious and exploratory.

Sense your body in all three levels (below the navel, navel to neck, above the neck) as you give.

Listen to what you feel as you give.


Receiver: listen not just to what you are receiving in your hand, but to what is happening at all three levels of your body.


After the three minutes take a bit of a break with several deep deep breaths. 


Then go the other way.


Then another break. With a few more deep breaths.


And then share, how was this as a giver? How was this to be the receiver?



I’m going to say what your body and soul wants to hear: do this every day.

I’m going to say what your “I’m too busy” robot will hate to hear: do this every day. 

I’m going to say something the stuck in your rut you will love and hate to hear: do this every day.


The brain: one use, to stay true to habits. Good use: not having to relearn walking. Bad use: thinking the same negative thought over and over about our partner or ourselves or our parents, or.… “Thinking” (believing an opinion, actually) that you “don’t have time to WASTE on touching/ rubbing/ caressing your partner’s hand.”

Short version: That’s bullshit.


Luckily, the brain loves to learn, and learning is discovering the new, the different that makes a different.

The brain, best use: discover what happens new and now when you do, try, open to, explore, something new.



Not really an aside: 


(Why do we live together?

  1. the friendship of good talk, 
  2. the bliss of good sex, 
  3. the growth of working through the crap all couples have if they didn’t have perfect parents. (i.e. accelerate enlightenment by accelerating giving up on “Being Right”)


So, let’s up the friendship and up the touch at the same time…


Touch and love game #1: TOUCH PLUS GRATITUDE

A>>>Try the non-touch way:

Set a timer for two minutes.

Share gratitudes back and forth, five at a time.


B>>The touch and share way

Then, for three minutes

Hold hands

Take turns saying five gratitudes.

Then listening to five gratitudes.

Back and forth.

Feeling the connection.

Hearing the gratitudes.


Feel the difference that sharing gratitudes makes when you don’t hold hands and when you DO hold hands.


Crucial to this book is learning. 

Learning is noticing a difference that makes a difference.


Touch makes a difference, right?


Bring this into your life. Daily. At least twice.

Some sort of touch: hand caressing, hold hands sharing gratitudes.

More to come. (Hint… a two minute hug can almost never be a poor way to spend time with your friend)


There will be sexier versions of touch.


Rubbing a hand, and hold hands while sharing gratitude… always a good move toward more love and eventually, better lust.

How often? Twice a day.

Why? Try it twice a day and let your souls discover.