This is something we all can fall into. We are in love with another person. We admire, enjoy and even have great sex.
We go to various events, we have great discussions, we rub each other and enjoy sitting down to a good meal.
And then, gasp, they have some reaction. It can be from their past. It can be from their pattern we have helped them weave with us. It can be from being tired and disappointed with themselves. It can be from bad advice from "friends" about their need to lash out/ defend themselves more. It often is some combination of all the above, with a strong flavoring of having learned this is their childhood.
"Our childhood," I should say, since this is certainly something I still fall into.
And then what?
There is the disaster route, and that's where we often go.
This disaster route has a major flavor, and that flavor is: If you would just change, then everything would be alright.
And it's exactly how we feel, and we when are wounded and in automatic is when we are quite certain that our feelings are true.
If you would just....
If you really loved me you would....
Everything was okay/ great/ fine until you did....
Of, even some old insidious games along the sort of "you've said before you'll stop this. And here you go again." Surely a little guilt and blame is all that need to change...
And so, what is the way out?
Better, what are some ways out?
One: skip the blame for awhile, at least in what you are going to say, and only offer sentences of gratitude to that person. I know, I know, it's the last thing we "feel" like doing, and here's the upside to Doing What We Don't Want to Do: it gets us out of the fear.
It moves us away from the fear based core that our reactionary mind is always stuck in, and back to love, which is what our real mind is always dwelling in.
Two: Have two places to stand.
SPOT ONE: In one place stand and make your body like your mind: tense and rigid.
In this tense and rigid stance, and in this spot, which we'll call the "blame spot," think the blame thoughts. Think the "if you only would..." stuff.
Notice: what happens to your emotional state, as well as what happens to your already tense body, when you think and believe these thoughts.
SPOT TWO: Now, go to a more curious and skeptical spot. This spot is one where you start by taking a deep breath and asking yourself: Is this thought true?
And then, ask yourself, "If this is just an opinion," what would it be like to see it as no more than my opinion? What would it be like to see the opinion as separate from me? How would life be then?
Three: Go outside.
Look at the sky. See if the sky demands you be any different or your partner be any different.
See if the nearby tree likes or dislikes you as you are now. Do they like or dislike your mate just now.
Imagine a tree's idea of this whole inner drama. Imagine the sky's take on all this.
Four: Put a smile on your face and breathe deeply.
If you can do this while outdoors, all the better.
If you can do this while outdoors, not believing the opinion all the better.
See what happens when you start to give yourself choices.
How does that feel?
What sort of life does that begin to open to you?
DOESN'T IT FEEL LIKE THE REAL YOU IS THE ONE WHO CAN MAKE THESE CHOICES?
For a sample coaching hour to work through any issue, of this sort or any other, give a text request to 360-317-4773.